The Mother at Home - Chapter 4 - Mother's Difficulties

Why do so few succeed in obtaining prompt obedience from children? 

The biggest reason we as parents find it difficult to obtain prompt obedience is our very own lack of self-control.  Can a mother expect to govern her child when she cannot govern herself?  By our example, we must demonstrate meekness and equanimity in our homes.

As we all know, self-control, at all times, and under all circumstances, is one of the most difficult things to be acquired.  If we desire prompt obedience from our children, we must overcome ourselves, to be an example for our children. 

Abbott points out that “anger is temporary insanity.”  If you have had an encounter (or hundreds of encounters as the case may be) with a toddler, who is learning his place in the world, you have likely experienced anger that exemplifies this definition, perfectly…   Abbott recommends that we never let manifest the irritated feeling or give utterance to an angry expression.  We should discipline “with calmness and reflection”.

Abbott also points out that a lack of resolution can prove troublesome on behalf of the mother.  It is true that it is painful to a parent’s feelings to deprive a child of any reasonable enjoyment, or to inflict pain.  Therefore, we can be ingenious at framing apologies to relieve ourselves from this duty.  For me, blackout is no fun for anybody at my home; everything requires more thought, and the perpetrator is typically underfoot, all day…  It would be easier for me and far more convenient to justify the behavior to my benefit…  “Oh, he didn’t really mean to do that, did he?” 

Further to this point, Abbott, stresses “that you cannot allow maternal feelings to influence you to neglect painful but necessary acts of discipline.”  Discipline is hard on everybody, and it is difficult to see our children sad.  Nevertheless, Abbott states, if your “child does wrong, and you know that he ought to be punished; but you shrink from the duty of inflicting it; the behavior of such a mother is the most cruel and merciless enemy which her child can have.  You can do nothing more ruinous to your child.”  Such behavior on the mother’s part confirms his sin.  “Duty has told you to punish your child.  Inclination has urged you to overlook.  Inclination has triumphed; and your child has retired victorious and of course confirmed in his sin.”

The acts of discipline, Abbott states, must be serious and effectual, prompt and decisive.  One of my late cousins referred to the discipline of his children as “swift and severe.”  To date, I personally have met very few children more kind, loving, and obedient than his.  One good example of his I can recall, if his children did not put the silverware away correctly, he took all of the silverware out of the drawer and the child was required to put it all away, correctly before moving on. 

Abbott also points out that there can be a lack of harmony between parents on the subject of education. In discipline, father wants to do his duty and mother thinks punishment is cruelty.  If the father has bad principles and example, the mother must be more persevering and vigorous in her effort.  If a mother is vigorous in her effort, a father, in most cases, will soon feel confidence in her management.

Abbott helped me to understand my role in my children’s behavior and interaction with their father.  He points out that a “mother shall teach her children to be quiet and still when their father is present and she do everything she can to induce them to be respectful, obedient and affectionate to their father.  The more cheerful you can make home to him, the stronger are the inducements which are presented to draw him away from scenes into which he ought not to enter.”  I believe, as I have learned, as wives, we are the heart of the home, whereas our husbands are the head.  We need to create an environment, a loving environment in which our husbands desire to spend time.  A home, filled with chaos and disrespectful children would make any man want to work overtime…   Don’t get me wrong, we still have our share of chaos…  I could not live without the fun and noise our children provide.  They are just reminded to respect their Father and make his return home from work a pleasant one! :)

In summary, Abbott points out that we need to be self controlled, if we want our children to demonstrate the same.  This requires patience, obedience and self control on our part.  These cannot be obtained without the grace of God.  I believe each of these go hand in hand.  Patience, in particular, can lead to self control and obedience.  St. Thomas Aquinas defines patience as “moderated sadness in the face of an evil that cannot be removed.”  Our homes are filled with little evils that cannot be removed...  all day long; spills, lack of charity among siblings, temper tantrums, self-centeredness, among others…  Our homes are filled with children, perfectly behaved for their age.  We need to follow Jesus’ example of moderated sadness in the face of evils.  That was His entire ministry.  He moderated His sadness (rejection, blasphemy, ridicule, abandonment, denial, and ultimately abuse and murder).  He did not lose His cool, not even once, and imagine… He was surrounded by grown men and women, who should have known better.  Our children may not know better yet, because we may not have taught them yet. 

We need to cling to the Cross and entreat our Lord for the grace to be the grown-ups we are tying, with His grace, to raise.

The Mother at Home - Chapter 3 - Maternal Authority Part 2

Abbott makes some other suggestions of importance regarding maternal authority.  He encourages mothers to be strong.  Each of our children is diverse in their natural dispositions.  “Some are very tender in their feelings and others are naturally independent and self-willed.”  Nevertheless, it is never safe to give up and let the child win on a contest of wills, notably with strong-willed children.  When a child has an unpleasant disposition, (is just ‘having one of those days) and, for example, hits sister and is not sorry and declines obeying, Abbott recommends that we handle this differently but do not overlook the fault.  He gives an example:   “My son, you have been doing very wrong ; you are ill-humored and must not stay with us any longer. I will carry you to bed.” Just before leaving him for the night she tells him in a kind but sorrowful tone, how much she is displeased with his conduct. Kneels by him and prays that God will forgive him. Leaves him to his reflections. He is thus punished because he hears his brothers and sisters happy down-stairs and feels how much wiser and better it is to be a good boy. “

Abbott explains that we are all disposed to ‘those days’.  As a result, we must learn forbearance and sympathy with children. A mother must use all in her power to soothe and calm.  He encourages us to “study the moods and feelings of your children and vary discipline to meet these changes.  When a child is in an excited state, remove him as much as possible from the power of temptation. Calculate a punishment to soothe him, like placing him in a comfortable chair with a pleasing book. “
Another bit of good advice Abbott gives is to never punish when the child when he has not intentionally done wrong.   We must learn to distinguish between accident and crime.   We all make mistakes; I do daily, sometimes minutely…  Our children should not be punished for an accident, however, we may need to punish for carelessness, which is a fault.  “Children ought to be taught not to do what will expose property to injury. Example, child crawls on the table and is punished for dropping & breaking the glass bowl that was on the table. The child should have been taught not to climb on the table.   Nevertheless, allowance must be made for ignorance of the child.

Abbott explains that we should not fall into the belief that your child is too young to obey.  We are ingenious at framing excuses for neglecting our duty…. Too young, no nap, too sick.  He gives a quote from a very judicious mother. “It is my practice to obey my child for the first year of their life, but ever after I expect him to obey me. “  The authority of the mother is to be established when a child is able to understand a command or prohibition expressed by looks and gestures. This is at a much earlier period that most parents imagine.

We are, however, to guard against too much severity.  When we discipline with composure and solemnity; occasions for punishment will be very infrequent.   We are encouraged to be affectionate and mild with our children.   When they have done wrong, we should feel not irritated, but sad; and punish them in sorrow, but not in anger.  Therefore, in all cases, children should be governed by kindness.   However, when kindness fails, and disobedience ensues, do not hesitate for a moment to fall back upon her last resort, and punish as severely as necessary.  Abbott explains a few such cases will teach almost any child how much better it is to be obedient than disobedient.   This does not mean it is prudent to be harsh, unfeeling and forbidding in our intercourse with our children.  “The most efficient family government may be almost entirely administered by affection, if it be distinctly understood that disobedience cannot pass unpunished.  Every effort should be to make home the most desirable place; to gather around it associations of delight. “

This is where our house rules have really become a tool in our discipline.  When my 5 year old asks to do something and I say no, he has, at times shot back with “I am going to do _________ anyway”, or throw some sort of fit.”  To this, I am able to calmly respond, you may absolutely do _____, it is your choice to disobey, but what is the discipline for not giving right away obedience?”  He responds, “black out”.  I reinforce, “okay, so if you choose, to do _____ you will be blacked out.  It is your choice; I believe it is a poor one, but yours nevertheless.”  This exchange is gentle, does not excite their mood, and also empowers them to make the decision.  With as much as my children despise blackout, to date, my 5 year old has never (in this situation) chosen the bad behavior.