The Mother at Home - Chapter 6 - Religious Instruction Part I

Abbott teaches in chapter six, regarding the religious instruction of our children that “nothing can supersede the necessity of effort and instruction at home. Sabbath (Sunday) Schools have been of inestimable value; however, a mother cannot regard these as exonerating herself in the least degree from responsibility.  The home should be the sanctuary of religious instruction.”1

Our faith, as Catholics, reinforces this absolute truth.  As the Catechism of the Catholic Church teachers, “through the grace of the sacrament of marriage, parents receive the privilege and responsibility of evangelizing their children. “(CCC# 2225)  Also, “Family catechesis precedes, accompanies, and enriches other forms of instruction in the faith. Parents have the mission of teaching their children to pray and to discover their vocation as children of God. The parish is the Eucharistic community and the heart of the liturgical life of Christian families; it is a privileged place for the catechesis of children and parents.” (CCC  #2226) 2

Therefore, as the mother, you “must be the earnest and affectionate guide to the Savior.  You must take your little ones by the hand lead them in the paths of piety.”  As mother, you know each of your children intimately; you know their dispositions, habits of thought, and moods of mind and can therefore teach them better than anyone. 1

Abbott also teaches that if you wish to instill a deep faith in your children, you must possess and demonstrate deep devotional feelings yourselves. “It is certainly in vain to hope that you can induce your children to fix their affections upon another world, while yours are fixed upon this world.   Christian feelings must animate your heart – children will imitate your example. If not, then you are leading her away from God.   If you go on in un-repented sin, your child, in all probability, will go with you. You must not only “point to heaven”, but to “Lead them.”” 1

Furthermore, Abbott teaches, “in order to bring a strong faith to your children, you must present religion in a cheerful aspect. Religion is to make us happy here and hereafter; to divest the mind of gloom, and fill it with joy.  Do not dwell too much upon the terrors of the law. Do not connect religious considerations with melancholy countenances and mournful tones of voices, as to cause the subject to be unnecessarily repugnant.   However, do not err upon the other extreme.  Children must understand the nature of sin and the justice of God, and the awful penalty of His law. The child should be taught to regard God as that being who, while he loves his creatures, cannot look upon sin but with abhorrence.   God must be represented as He has exhibited Himself to us in the Bible and in the works of nature. He is a God of mercy and of justice. He is to be regarded with our warmest affections, and also with reverence and godly fear. Let therefore children distinctly understand that sin cannot pass unpunished." 1

Therefore, in our homes, if we show a genuine love for our Lord, an enthusiasm for His graces and mercy, our children will catch the fire.  If they see us receiving the Jesus in the Eucharist with humility and love, and the sacrament of reconciliation with gratitude and joy, they too will seek these graces with hope.  When we read scripture to our children, it should not be just another story, but a real life-lesson in faith, hope, love, and humility.  Through scripture, we can bring to our children the most powerful lessons.  Lessons that will arm them for eternity; how to live like Jesus lived and to find hope in the promise given us in old testament followed by its revelation in the New.   Time in scripture, daily, with our children is not only good for them, but also helps us to grow in virtue.

Finally, Abbott teaches us to “show God’s readiness to forgive, speak of the joys of heaven, and let the duties of religion be connected with feelings of enjoyment and happiness.  Do this that the child may perceive that gloom and sorrow are connected only with disobedience and irreligion. Improve appropriate occasions. Watch for them!   For example, when a child is unusually tender of spirit , let her then look to God in fervent prayer, and with all the persuasions of a mother’s love endeavor to guide her child to the Savior.   During the dark and tempestuous night,  teach trust in God.  If the child is sick,  she hears your prayer for restored health. When illness subsides, you tell her then, that if God had not interposed, her sickness could have increased till she had died.  If a child in neighborhood dies, teach them the meaning of death. Speak of the eternal world to which her friend has gone, of the judgment seat of Christ. Teach her the new scenes of joy or woe upon which her friend has entered.  Visit a graveyard and discuss eternal things; one such incident enters more deeply into the heart than volumes of ordinary conversation.   Share with your child a beautiful summer’s morning; do not fail to point the attention of your child to these beauties and lead his mind to Him whose word called them into being.   As a family, always keep Sabbath Holy." 1

In summary, we are the primary teachers for our children’s religious instruction.  We should take them to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days as well as daily Mass if we can, teach them the Catechism, pray with them, take them to confession, read the Bible with them daily, and inspire them with the lives of saints.  We must teach them to be God-fearing; a fear of offending God borne of the known consequence, and also fear of offending or hurting Him, borne of love for Him.  

Also, we cannot hope for our children to grow in virtue and therefore holiness, if we, ourselves are not working, daily, tirelessly to overcome ourselves and to grow in virtue.  We MUST lead by example.  It is work and we are often met with failure, but even when we fail as a result of our selfish humanity, we can teach our children that God is not finished with us yet and that He loves us dearly.  We have hope, because He forgives us when we fall, and helps to pick us up again… to help us to begin again.  

We should help our children find our Lord in EVERYTHING, in joy and success, as well as in sorrow, pain, and loss.  We must teach them the true meaning of providence; everything, both good and bad is part of God’s plan for us, to help us love Him more… even if we don’t understand it.  If we are running late, though we have made our best effort, perhaps it is because God wanted to protect us from getting in an accident that would have occurred had we left sooner.  If an event they were looking forward to is cancelled, perhaps it is because God wanted us to be somewhere else, to serve Him in a different way.  If a loved is suffering or dies from a terminal illness, teach your child how God uses this person’s suffering to draw many closer to Him through prayer.   The most powerful conversions of heart happen in the midst of trials.  Every conversation should point to heaven and God’s hand in our lives, His providence. 

When our children see our true love of Lord and our hope and joy that faith in Him affords, in addition to our struggle toward holiness, they will follow us to heaven.

[1] – The Mother at Home – Abbott
[2] – Catechism of the Catholic Church

The Mother at Home - Chapter 3 - Maternal Authority Part 2

Abbott makes some other suggestions of importance regarding maternal authority.  He encourages mothers to be strong.  Each of our children is diverse in their natural dispositions.  “Some are very tender in their feelings and others are naturally independent and self-willed.”  Nevertheless, it is never safe to give up and let the child win on a contest of wills, notably with strong-willed children.  When a child has an unpleasant disposition, (is just ‘having one of those days) and, for example, hits sister and is not sorry and declines obeying, Abbott recommends that we handle this differently but do not overlook the fault.  He gives an example:   “My son, you have been doing very wrong ; you are ill-humored and must not stay with us any longer. I will carry you to bed.” Just before leaving him for the night she tells him in a kind but sorrowful tone, how much she is displeased with his conduct. Kneels by him and prays that God will forgive him. Leaves him to his reflections. He is thus punished because he hears his brothers and sisters happy down-stairs and feels how much wiser and better it is to be a good boy. “

Abbott explains that we are all disposed to ‘those days’.  As a result, we must learn forbearance and sympathy with children. A mother must use all in her power to soothe and calm.  He encourages us to “study the moods and feelings of your children and vary discipline to meet these changes.  When a child is in an excited state, remove him as much as possible from the power of temptation. Calculate a punishment to soothe him, like placing him in a comfortable chair with a pleasing book. “
Another bit of good advice Abbott gives is to never punish when the child when he has not intentionally done wrong.   We must learn to distinguish between accident and crime.   We all make mistakes; I do daily, sometimes minutely…  Our children should not be punished for an accident, however, we may need to punish for carelessness, which is a fault.  “Children ought to be taught not to do what will expose property to injury. Example, child crawls on the table and is punished for dropping & breaking the glass bowl that was on the table. The child should have been taught not to climb on the table.   Nevertheless, allowance must be made for ignorance of the child.

Abbott explains that we should not fall into the belief that your child is too young to obey.  We are ingenious at framing excuses for neglecting our duty…. Too young, no nap, too sick.  He gives a quote from a very judicious mother. “It is my practice to obey my child for the first year of their life, but ever after I expect him to obey me. “  The authority of the mother is to be established when a child is able to understand a command or prohibition expressed by looks and gestures. This is at a much earlier period that most parents imagine.

We are, however, to guard against too much severity.  When we discipline with composure and solemnity; occasions for punishment will be very infrequent.   We are encouraged to be affectionate and mild with our children.   When they have done wrong, we should feel not irritated, but sad; and punish them in sorrow, but not in anger.  Therefore, in all cases, children should be governed by kindness.   However, when kindness fails, and disobedience ensues, do not hesitate for a moment to fall back upon her last resort, and punish as severely as necessary.  Abbott explains a few such cases will teach almost any child how much better it is to be obedient than disobedient.   This does not mean it is prudent to be harsh, unfeeling and forbidding in our intercourse with our children.  “The most efficient family government may be almost entirely administered by affection, if it be distinctly understood that disobedience cannot pass unpunished.  Every effort should be to make home the most desirable place; to gather around it associations of delight. “

This is where our house rules have really become a tool in our discipline.  When my 5 year old asks to do something and I say no, he has, at times shot back with “I am going to do _________ anyway”, or throw some sort of fit.”  To this, I am able to calmly respond, you may absolutely do _____, it is your choice to disobey, but what is the discipline for not giving right away obedience?”  He responds, “black out”.  I reinforce, “okay, so if you choose, to do _____ you will be blacked out.  It is your choice; I believe it is a poor one, but yours nevertheless.”  This exchange is gentle, does not excite their mood, and also empowers them to make the decision.  With as much as my children despise blackout, to date, my 5 year old has never (in this situation) chosen the bad behavior.

The Mother at Home, Chapter 2 - Maternal Authority

Chapter 2 – Maternal Authority, Part 1





Much of a mother’s happiness is dependent upon the good or bad character of her children. “How shall I govern my children so as to secure their virtue and happiness?”

Abbott speaks of obedience as perfect subjection and prompt, cheerful acquiescence in parent commands.  “Without this, all efforts will be in vain."  Children should submit  to your authority, not simply yielding to your arguments or persuasions or threats.  Whether or not your children can see reasoning for our request for obedience, they should obey promptly.  Sometimes give him your reasons, sometimes withhold them.

The best example I have of this, that my children were able to relate to, is an episode of Little House on the Prairie.  If memory serves, Ma and Laura were heading out to do chores.  Ma, having gone out first, told Laura to stay back, and not come to the barn (as she was accustomed to doing, every day).  Laura did not know why Ma had made this request, but she obeyed, no questions asked.  As it turns out, there was a bear near the barn and Ma needed to keep Laura away to keep her safe.  When Ma said “stay back”, Laura did not ask why, she obeyed without question.  As parents, we know what is better for our children, and they needn’t always understand why we ask the things we do, assuming they are for our children’s welfare.   We may, someday, encounter a situation where we don’t have the luxury of time to explain.   If we don’t condition them to obey, without question, in the case of Little House, what could have happened if Laura did not listen?

Abbott then goes on to explain how we can achieve this obedience from our children.  The most powerful tip he provides is “Never give a command which you do not intend shall be obeyed.  There is no more effectual way of teaching a child disobedience, than by giving commands which you have no intention of enforcing.” If we ask our children to do something, and we don’t plan to stand behind it, we then train our children to disregard our word; an absolute lack of respect. 
Abbott give a great example for enforcing obedience:

-MOM: “You have disobeyed me.”
-Mom seriously and calmly punishes (imposes real punishment that will be remembered)
-MOM: “It makes mother very unhappy to have to punish you.” She loves her little daughter and wishes to have her a good girl.”
-Mom leaves the child to herself for a little while. A little solitude deepens the impressions made.
-Mom returns, takes child on her lap, “My dear, are you sorry that you disobeyed mother?”
-Almost any child would say “Yes.”
-MOM: “Will you be careful not to disobey me again?”
-Child says “Yes.”
-MOM: “I will forgive you, so far as I can; but God is displeased; you have disobeyed him as well as me. Do you wish me to ask God to forgive you?”
-Child answers “Yes.”
-Mother kneels with her daughter and offers a simple prayer for forgiveness, and the return of peace and happiness.
-Mom then leads her out, humbled and subdued.
-Mom later that night putting her to bed affectionately reminds her of her disobedience, and advises her to ask God’s forgiveness again.

If you believe that you do not have time to discipline nor pay attention to your children, Abbott points out the fact that “Not one third of the time is required to take care of an orderly family, which is necessary for a disorderly one.”  I have found this to be true as our family has grown.  I simply do not have time for disobedient children.  It interferes with school, and with our day overall.  If a child is disruptive or disobedient, this cannot be accepted; as the price is too high for all of us.  If the little ones see their older siblings getting away with naughty behavior, it teaches them that it is OK to be naughty.  I have found, since assuming my role of Mother, they way God intended me to, I have more time, because I am not disciplining all day.  A big help for me now is that the older children are so clear on the rules, that the little ones have many sets of eyes and ears watching and correcting behavior.  Not that we don’t have off days…  we do; but they are fewer and farther between, and when they happen, the perpetrator is addressed promptly. 

Abbott also points out that a mother’s word is never to be disregarded, however, every judicious parent will try to gratify her children in their ‘reasonable wishes.’ For example, “Mom, may I have a couple minutes to finish my project?”

When Abbott speaks of types of lasting discipline (that won’t be soon forgotten), he recommends that we “cut off the child’s sources of enjoyment, among other things – do these so steadily and so invariably that disobedience and suffering shall be indissolubly connected in the mind of the child.”  As I have mentioned before, we employ “black outs”.  We learned this from Dr. Ray; I recommend anything from Dr. Ray.  A black out is removal of all privileges for the day (T.V., video games, dessert, seconds on meals, bicycle, scooter, trampoline, swimming, etc).  This is very effective, and painful for our children.  Click here for more information on rules and discipline.

Finally, Abbott points out that “if we fail to use this power for the purposes for which it was bestowed, the sin is ours, and upon us and upon our children must rest the consequences. When you meet your children at the bar of God, and they point to you and say, “It was through your neglect of duty that we are banished from heaven, and consigned to endless woe.”

----

On a side note, somebody asked me at what point do I expect my children to understand and obey our house rules and if a child is blacked out, as a parent, are we not sort of out of discipline options for the rest of the day?
 
As I tell many, my children are perfectly behaved for their age, which is far from perfect! :) You know, it has only happend a handful of times that after blackout, which is devastating for my children, that they have pulled any more stunts. We have, in those cases, extended blackout to the next day, and on occasion sent them to their room, away from any fun. We begin to discipline and enforce rules when our child turns 1 (don't touch, hit, etc), when they are 3, they understand the rules and are disciplined for not following them. We start blackouts when our children are 4. My 3 year old is well versed in Hail Mary Hugs, time in porta crib and a slapped hand. Blackout is devastating to all of my children ages 4 & up.

As my confessor said, don't lower standards, just expectations. It is so frustrating to correct the same behavior over, and over, and over... but he also said... right now we are sowing the seeds of love and will reap a bountiful harvest later... we won't always see the progress nor recieve instant gratification... but some day, our children will just start doing the things we have been teaching... and this, i have found to be true. I have also found, parenting, the way God calls us to do it, is the most humbling, trying... and sanctifying duty I have endeavored.  As trying as it is, however, I have also never found a more fulfulling, joy-filled, grace-filled duty. :) I thank God for it daily.

The Mother at Home - Chapter 1 - Responsibility

The Mother at Home: Raising Your Children in the Fear of the Lord
by John S.C. Abbott

Other than my husband, my sister Annie is my best friend.  Annie and I recently read the book the Mother at Home by John S. C Abbott (as did much of our Mother's Group).  The response was so great to this book.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the straighgforward nature of the author's work and, as with scripture... this book screamed "truth" to me.   Annie and I agreed to pull together an overview for our Mother's Group this morning and Annie agreed to share this work.  It is a wonderful, insightful, inspiring (and sort of intimidating) book.  I believe every mother would be better off for having read it.



Care and labor is necessary in training up a family. But no other cares are rewarded with so rich a recompense; no other labors ensure such permanent and real enjoyment. You, O mothers, have immortal souls entrusted to your keeping. Their destiny is in a great degree in your hands. Your ignorance or unfaithfulness may be the means of sinking them to the world of woe. Your fidelity, by the blessing of God, may elevate them to the mansions of heaven. You and your children may soon be ranging with angel wings the realms of blest spirits, if, here, you are faithful in prayer and effort to train them up for heaven. (from page135-136 of The Mother at Home.)

Chapter I - Responsibility

Abbott says as mothers "it is our duty to lead children to their Savior". He goes on to explain that "the world has been slow to perceive how powerful and extensive the secret and silent influence of a mother's efforts to improve her child in knowledge and virtue are. The influence which is exerted upon the mind during the first eight to ten years of existence, in a great degree guides the destinies of that mind for time and eternity." We, as mother's are with our children more than anybody in these formative years. We have all seen and heard ourselves in our children, which further reinforces Abbott's statement. It is true that there are other influences in our children's lives, but a "mother's may be the most powerful" because it is under our care and tutelage, primarily, that this formation occurs.

Abbot explains that it is rare that the child of a pious mother will be a dissolute one, who breaks away from all restraints and God may leave him to “eat the fruit of his own devices.” However the parent is asked to trust in God, "bow before the sovereignty of her Maker, who says “Be still and know that I am God.” Having done ones duty, however, divests this affliction of much of it’s bitterness."

He gives an example of a man who, raised by a pious mother, had lived a dissolute life, and when asked to go to church, he said "no". He was then asked what his mother would have wished for him to do. The man, with a tear in his eye, entered the church. As with St. Augustine and St. Monica, and God’s grace, a faithful mother's early formation and prayers can bring them back.

Our earthly happiness is at the disposal of your child. "His character is now, in an important sense, in your hands, and you are to form it for good or for evil”, Abbott explains. This subject and fact should make every parent tremble.

After I read this chapter, I began to better understand the gravity of my role as mother and this motivated me to stay on task.  As I have heard it explained by my confessor, "monks, sisters, and others of the consecrated life, live life according to a rule. Throughout each day, they have chimes that direct their attention and time to the next duty, be it prayer, meals, chores, etc." He explained that he had 3 minutes from the time the bell chimed to finish up the task at hand and move to the next duty. Stopping what I am doing to discipline my child or correct behavior is one of those chimes, regardless of what I want at that time. God commands me to. Given our home is our domestic church; it is fair to say that our children are our chimes, our duty, per se. When their behavior needs to be corrected or they disobey, it is our duty to correct the behavior or discipline them, right away; not simply overlook the infraction because it is inconvenient. I, have actually heard myself say out loud "no", I don't want to do this right now... that is, in essence saying no to God, and the only person, according to Abbott, in the long run who will take the blame for the disobedience of my child, is me, through my neglect.
I want to do the best that I can, and God has given me (and my husband) the grace to raise-up men and women that God will recognize and whom will recognize and obey His voice. I simply need to show the same obedience to God, in the duty He has given me, as mother, as my children are to obey their God-given duty in their formative years, Honor thy Father and thy Mother.

Abbott explains that "If you are consistent in your government, and faithful in the discharge of your duties, your child will probably through life revere you and be the stay and solace of your declining years. If, on the other hand, you cannot summon resolution to punish your child when disobedient; if you do not curb his passions; if you do not bring him to entire and willing subjection to your authority; you must expect that he will be your curse."

So, in summary, "If you are unfaithful to your child when his is young, he will be unfaithful to you when he is old. If you indulge him in all his foolish and unreasonable wishes when he is a child, when he becomes a man he will indulge himself; he will gratify every desire of his heart; and your sufferings will be rendered the more poignant by the reflection that it was your own unfaithfulness which has caused your ruin. If you would be the happy mother of a happy child give your attention, and your efforts, and your prayers, to the great duty of training him up for God and Heaven.

Raising Saints

As with home schooling, we have found that each of our children is is different, and the same discipline is not effective for each. Given that we are called to raise saints, this posed a bit of a challenge for Nathan and me.  If our children are going to be well formed, virtuous, and obedient to God in their adult years, we would have to teach them to obey us, for His sake, as children, while under our care and tutelage.

A host on Relevant Radio made an analogy of a rubber band to raising our children with love and discipline.  He said that as you pull on a rubber band, there is equal tension on each side, such as it is with discipline and love.  There should be equal parts of love and discipline.  If there is too much discipline and not enough love, the child will grow to be rebellious in nature and conversely too much love and not enough discipline creates a disposition of entitlement. This was GREAT advice.

In the book, The Mother at Home, John Abbott says, "If you are unfaithful to your child when he is young, he will be unfaithful to you when he is old. If you indulge him in all his foolish and unreasonable wishes when he is a child, when he becomes a man he will indulge himself; he will gratify every desire of his heart; and your sufferings will be rendered the more poignant by the reflection that it was your own unfaithfulness which has caused your ruin. If you would be the happy mother of a happy child, give your attention, and your efforts, and your prayers, to the great duty of training him up for God and heaven."  The Mother at Home - excerpt

Subsequently, a friend's Mother presented to our Mother's Group about parenting.  She is the Mother of a large Catholic family.  Her children are grown and they all are faith-filled and remain in the Church.  What struck me most about what she said was that she could take all of her children out in public without any worry of bad behavior, because "when I said sit, they sat."  I am embarassed to admit, at the time, I could not say that about my children and that was not their fault... Quite honestly, I was petrified to take all of my children out alone, in public, for fear of bad behavior and my inabilty to control them.  I talked this over with Nathan, and we agreed, that we wanted the same confidence in our children's behavior.  So how do we do this?

I often read Catholic Children's Treasure Box 11  by Maryknoll Sisters to my children.  In book 11, we found part of our answer.  The term "right-away obedience" really struck me.   There is a story about a little boy named John, who always gave his parents right-away obedience. This was what my friend's Mom was talking about...  In the story it reads "John gives right-away obedience.  When Mother calls he says, "All right, Mother." He came right away, no questions, no excuses.

The next question we had was, so how do we un-do all that we have done in our discipline and teach our children to obey, right away?  This called for vigilance on our part.  As providence would have it, a generous parishioner at our Church was able to get Dr. Ray Guarendi as a guest speaker.  What a blessing!!!  He stresses vigilance and accountability of parents in achieving obedience in our home (and therefore peace).  He says, "if we want a 1 in a million child, we need to be on in a million parents".  If our children don't respect our authority, it is not their fault, it is ours; we clearly never taught them that our role as parents is ordained by God and they are commanded to obey us via the 10 commandments.  Again, if we don't believe and employ this in our homes, our children cannot be expected to believe it either. I recommend anything by Dr. Ray!

As my confessor, advised when I confided in him my frustration with my children's behavior "Don't lower your standards, just your expectations, remember, they are still children.  With time and vigilance, one day you will wake to find your children doing all the things you have been teaching."   Do I always give right-away obedience to God?  Does He yell and scream at me when I, selfishly, choose sin over obedience?  No, he lovingly forgives me in the Sacrament of Reconcilliation.  I need to remember to do the same for my children.  Jesus' example is a tough act to follow, but it is the goal, nevertheless.

Another great quote from the book The Mother at Home by John Abbott, speaks of raising obedient, virtuous children and therefore "good men [and women]".  "A good boy generally makes a good man." Said the mother of Washington, "George was always a good boy." Here we see one secret of his greatness. George Washington had a mother who made him a good boy, and instilled into his heart those principles which raised him to be the benefactor of his country, and one of the brightest ornaments of the world. The mother of Washington is entitled to a nation's gratitude. She taught her boy the principles of obedience, and moral courage, and virtue. She, in a great measure, formed the character of the hero, and the statesman. It was by her own fire-side that she taught her playful boy to govern himself; and thus was he prepared for the brilliant career of usefulness which he afterward pursued. We are indebted to God for the gift of Washington; but we are no less indebted to him for the gift of his inestimable mother. Had she been a weak, and indulgent, and unfaithful parent, the unchecked energies of Washington might have elevated him to the throne of a tyrant; or youthful disobedience might have prepared the way for a life of crime and a dishonored grave."

In Volume Six - Direction for our Times, by Anne, the Lay Apostle, I found some great advice.
"June 9, 2004

Mary (an unknown saint) Speaks to Mothers

... "I looked on my role of mother as a serious task. I saw each child individually and wondered where they would fit. I tried to help them develop their strengths, all the while searching for the character flaws that might cause them hardship. When I spotted something I felt might be a problem for them, I tried to help them conquer this flaw. These little acts of control or mortification should be praised in your small ones because as they grow they will then practice that same control or mortification as adults. There is no way to understand the importance of that early formation. Truly, believe me when I tell you that you will see your children as adults behaving the same way they did as children, so if a troublesome behavior is allowed as a child, that individual will practice that same behavior as an adult, only you will have little power to correct it. So watch your children closely and praise their little virtues with great constancy.  Praise and encouragement will win the day with little ones. When you do identify that little flaw, mothers, speak softly but firmly and explain how Jesus will help with any temptations. Do not criticize your children in such a way that they are embarrassed, as this is never a good thing and causing a child public shame results in the most serious of effects. But quietly and privately explain why such behavior is wrong and how it could hurt either someone else or the person committing the act. The little soul is so precious and must be preserved. We teach children how to clean themselves and how to feed themselves. We must also teach children how to clean and feed their little souls. Many of today’s children do not even know they have a soul, much less how to protect it and maintain it.  Mothers, treat this responsibility with the greatest of reverence."

Knowing that Nathan and I can do nothing without the grace of God and His will, we entrust our family to Him, humbly asking Him to teach us, to teach our children to be:  good, kind, Christian, humble, obedient, eager, chaste, confident children, who put God first and find the joy in every part of their day, including their daily crosses and to thank Him for them.  We entreat Him to help our family grow in holiness and to increase in us our faith, hope, charity, and self control. We also ask the same for our children's future spouse (if that is the vocation to which they are called).

As my spiritual director, correctly put it:  As Parents, our God-given role, is the highest calling! We are called to shape character, instill virtues and affect the world.

House Rules

  Being a parent is a great privilege. My husband and I have come to understand that the call to parenthood is a wonderful and challenging opportunity.  Who our children become, rests primarily on how we respond to the grace God gives us, to raise saints!  We have found that we cannot expect our children to behave according to our rules, if they don't totally understand them, especially if they don't believe there are consequences for not following these rules.  As a result, we have created "House Rules" for our home.  We have our "House Rules" posted on the fridge.  Each time we make modifications to the rules, we review them with the children, to be sure they understand the rules, and the discipline resulting in a failure to comply.  We have taken advice from Dr. Ray, and employed "Black Outs".  A black out in our home, is removal of all privileges for the day (television, seconds on meals, dessert, bicycle, skate board, etc.).  Saying "No" to Mom or Dad, hitting, or not giving right-away obedience are some scenarios in our home worthy of this discipline.  Other forms of discipline we employ are deductions in computer time, time in room, sitting on couch (arm in arm) with sibling with whom they were fighting, etc.. If the children's behavior is uncharitable to one another, we ask them to do a "Hail Mary Hug".  They simply hug each other while they pray the Hail Mary out loud, then ask for and give each other forgiveness and say "I love you." 

When the children speak uncharitably to one another, tease, or tattle unnecessarily, they are required to write the Commandment "Thou Shalt Not Kill".  I found a computer application for copy work for the children that is a GREAT tool for this form of discipline as well.  Startwrite enables me to type whichever commandment has been broken (Honor they Father and thy Mother and Thou Shall not Kill are biggies here) and the child then writes (my preschool ager traces) it.  When they break a commandment, my children are reminded that they are not only breaking our house rules, but God's as well; it is a sin.  They are reminded that sin hurts us all (the perpetrator, the victim, our whole family, and worst of all God).  They ask forgiveness from their sibling as well as God. 

I have attached our house rules if you are looking for a starting point.
House Rules

I recently read a great article in the Sunday Visitor that I hope to share wisdom from soon.  Here is the link to this GREAT wisdom for parents like us...   Parentleadership.com

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part IV
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

On Prudence

St. Thomas Aquinas defines prudence as “right reason applied to action.”[1]  The Catechism further states that prudence guides the judgment of conscience.[2]  It perfects the mind so that it is able to discern the true good in all circumstances and to choose the right means of achieving it.  Prudence is also called “practical wisdom,” and being practical it must be carried out and lived.[3]  Prudence is the first and most important of the cardinal virtues.  It is the cause of the other virtues being virtues at all, as its “right reason” in regards to the moral life, measures and informs the other virtues.[4]  Mother Teresa summed this up when she said, “Thoughtfulness is the beginning of great sanctity.”[5]

            Modern parent educators at work in the general public often use the buzz phrase “parenting in the moment,” in order to pinpoint and develop how caregivers parent on the spot, in the heat of the moment, when they could be quite possibly at their wits end.  Mothers everywhere are faced with this scenario countless times in a week, a day, or even an hour.  A key factor in succeeding at this parental transformation is missing from the secular vantage point: the cardinal virtue of prudence acquired not only through natural means but also supernatural means.  Josef Pieper, author of The Four Cardinal Virtues, stated prudence entails acting in the moment, “situation conscience” (solertia); a mother quickly wraps her mind around the unexpected situation and decides with extreme quick-wittedness and clear-eyed objectivity.[6]  Prudence is infused for the purpose of eternal salvation at Baptism, but this prudence is limited; there is a “fuller” prudence that is acquired and guides man in all matters relating to human life.[7]  Particularly helpful for mothers disciplining the same mischievous behavior under the pressure of a host of household tasks as Pieper states, is prudence’s special nature concerned with the realm of “ways and means” and down-to-earth realities.[8]  “Prudence as cognition” includes, most importantly, the ability to be still in order to attain objective perception of reality, and in addition, the patient effort of experience.[9]  Beyond the concept of practicing over time, how do mothers gain this virtue, where do they start?

St. Thomas Aquinas lists eight quasi-integral parts of prudence.  The first five: memory, understanding or intelligence, docility, shrewdness [quickly finding the middle term], and reason fall under prudence as cognitive virtues, while foresight, circumspection, and caution, command and apply knowledge to action.[10]  Second, Pieper, in summarizing Aquinas, states: “the attitude of ‘silent’ contemplation of reality: this is the key prerequisite for the perfection of prudence as cognition, which perfection in turn involves three elements, namely: memoria [memory], docilitas [the ability to take good advice], solertia [composed readiness for the unexpected].”[11]  The first Christian is a perfect guide.  Does not the Mother of God exemplify “the attitude of ‘silent’ contemplation”?  Mary’s countenance was contemplative although the events in her life were chaotic as she traveled nine months pregnant to Bethlehem, searched the crowds for her twelve-year-old Son, and knelt at the foot of the cross.  St. Thomas Aquinas stated that “man has a natural aptitude for docility [being taught] even as for other things connected with prudence. Yet his own efforts count for much towards the attainment of perfect docility [teachableness]: and he must carefully, frequently and reverently apply his mind to the teachings of the learned, neither neglecting them through laziness, nor despising them through pride.”[12]

Mary is the perfect example and in the words of Blessed Mother Teresa she will help to “make your house – your family – another Nazareth where love, peace, joy and unity reign, for love begins at home.”[13] 

God also places countless others in a mother’s life, however, to prepare and inform her to practice prudence.  The Gospel message preaches virtuous living in the actions of holy mothers, but often in motherhood counsel is also needed.  This is a significant reason why there is the proliferation of mother’s sharing groups, especially since in the modern world it is not the norm to house extended family under one roof and have another mother figure just down the hall.  St. Thomas Aquinas states, “those who need to be guided by the counsel of others, are able if they have grace, to take counsel for themselves in this point at least, that they require the counsel of others and can distinguish good from evil counsel.”[14]  This perhaps explains why Pope John Paul II implored all of the faithful to pray that the Holy Spirit give us the gift of good counsel.[15]  Josef Pieper further develops Aquinas’ words:
There is no way of grasping the concreteness of man’s ethical decisions from outside.  But no, there is a certain way, a single way: that is through the love of friendship.  A friend, and a prudent friend, can help to shape a friend’s decision.  He does so by virtue of that love which makes the friend’s problem his own, the friend’s ego his own (so that after all it is not entirely ‘from outside’).  For by virtue of that oneness which love can establish he is able to visualize the concrete situation calling for decision, visualize it from, as it were, the actual center of responsibility.  Therefore it is possible for a friend—only for a friend and only for a prudent friend—to help with counsel and direction to shape a friend’s decision or, somewhat in the manner of a judge, help to reshape it.[16]

For this reason the counsel of a prudent friend of the faith undertaking the same vocation of motherhood whether 100 feet or 1,000 miles away is priceless. 

A true friendship with God through prayer, modeling Mary and the prudent advice of other mothers, and turning to the grace of the Sacraments are indispensible in cultivating the cardinal virtue of prudence along with an on-going education of the conscience.  The cultivation of prudence then amounts to applying it to personal, living, experience.  Pieper stated that “desiring the good does not make a decision prudent; but real understanding and proper evaluation of the concrete situation of the concrete act does.”[17]  Mothers also need to know what prudence is not.  To be imprudent is to be thoughtless, indecisive, negligent, blind, and remiss in decision, and of course disobedient towards the commandments.[18]  It is to be overly anxious about temporal things over spiritual matters.

Finally, there are multiple ways to help people know that they are on the right path to acquiring the virtue of prudence.  Josef Pieper lists characteristics synonymous with prudence: being the filter of deliberation; purity, straightforwardness, candor, and simplicity of character, and standing superior to the utilitarian complexities of mere ‘tactics’.[19]  These mere ‘tactics’ in this case amount to the secular approaches of parent educators teaching parents how to “parent in the moment” without the virtue of prudence, without faith.  Josef Pieper also wrote that humans can “receive ‘practical’ assurance and reinforcement from several sources: from the experience of life as it has been lived; from the alertness and healthiness of the instinctive capacity for evaluation; from the daring and humble hope that the paths to man’s genuine goals cannot be closed to him; from rectitude of volition and of ultimate “intention”; from the grace of direct and mediated divine guidance.”[20]  And of course, mothers must remember that a “life of friendship with God must not be construed in the sense that it is immediately ‘given’ or realizable in smooth and ‘harmonious’ development.”[21]  Mothers understand that there are so many ‘seasons’ in life, the ebb and flow of parenting often parallels the hilly ascent towards the virtuous life.  Pieper reminds us of how intensely the great saints loved the ordinary and commonplace.[22] 

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[1] Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Christian Classics Ethereal Library, http://www.ccel.org/ccel/aquinas/summa.SS_Q141.html [accessed October 10, 2010], II, II, 55, 3.
[2] Catechism, 1806.
[3] Kaczor and Sherman, 16.
[4] Pieper, 6 & 31.
[5] Mother Teresa, “God Had Sent the Family to Be His Love,” The Co-Worker Newletter, Spring/Summer, (Wauwatosa, WI: Family Life Council, Inc, 1989).
[6] Pieper, 9-13.
[7] Ibid, 14.
[8] Pieper, 11.
[9] Ibid, 13.
[10] Aquinas, II, II, 48, 1.
[11] Pieper, 14-17 & 22.
[12] Aquinas, II, II, 49, 3; Kaczor and Sherman, 31.
[13] Mother Teresa.
[14] Aquinas, II, II, 47, 14 ad 2.
[15] Pope John Paul II, “First General Audience of John Paul II,” General Audience, October 25, 1978, (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1978), http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/audiences/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19781025_en.html [accessed October 2, 2010].
[16] Pieper, 29.
[17] Pieper, 35.
[18] Ibid, 8 & 19.
[19] Ibid, 10.
[20] Ibid, 18.
[21] Pieper, 36.
[22] Ibid, 39.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part II
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

On the Theological Virtues

While the theological virtues are not the primary focus of this study, they are so inseparable from the cardinal virtues that they require attention.  Pope John Paul I and Pope John Paul II both saw in the theological virtues of faith, hope, and love along with the cardinal virtues of prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance, seven lamps of sanctification; they are the fundamental principles of the Christian life.[1]  The root of the acquired cardinal virtues, and the foundation of Christian moral activity as a whole, are the theological virtues, which are infused by God.[2]  It is important to understand that the theological virtues are not attained, they are gifts, and they contain answers to the questions on how to acquire the cardinal virtues.  Father Jean C. J. d’Elbee explains that the word confidence “summarizes the three theological virtues: faith, hope, and charity – sovereign virtues which bring all the others in their train.”[3]  The theological virtues of faith, hope, and love help man form an ecclesial consciousness, or in other words, makes him a member of the body of Christ.  In these three virtues, the Christian becomes aware of his participation in the life of the Trinitarian God, and that this is the ultimate destiny of man.[4]

Faith brings man to believe in God and all He has said and revealed.[5]  Hope gives the ability to desire heaven and eternal life as one’s happiness, placing one’s trust in God and not on one’s own strength, but that of grace through the Holy Spirit.[6]  The beatitudes raise one’s hope toward heaven, and hope is nourished in prayer, especially the Our Father, which is the sum of everything that hope leads humans to desire.[7]  Hope is the assurance of salvation, and it gives mankind the ability to carry his cross.  Charity is the greatest of all the virtues.  The Catechism states: “Charity is the theological virtue by which we love God above all things for his own sake, and our neighbor as ourselves for the love of God.”[8]  The Holy Spirit helps mankind to love like God loves.  The Catechism also states: “The practice of all the virtues is animated and inspired by charity, which “binds everything together in perfect harmony”[Col 3:14]; it is the form of the virtues; it articulates and orders them among themselves; it is the source and the goal of their Christian practice.”[9]  St. Augustine affirms that the cardinal virtues become four different ways of loving God: “Temperance is love giving itself entirely to that which is loved; fortitude is love readily bearing all things for the sake of the loved object; justice is love serving only the loved object, and therefore ruling rightly; prudence is love distinguishing with sagacity between what hinders it and what helps it.”[10]

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[1] Pope John Paul II, General Audience, November 22, 1978, (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1978), http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/audiences/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19781122_en.html [accessed October 2, 2010].    
[2] Catechism, 1812-1813.
[3] Father Jean C. J. d’Elbee, I Believe in Love: A Personal Retreat Based on the Teaching of St. Therese of Lisieux, (Manchester, NH: Sophia Institute Press, 1969), 25.
[4] Josef Pieper, The Four Cardinal Virtues, (South Bend: University of Notre Dame Press 2007), 11.
[5] Catechism, 1814.
[6] Ibid, 1817.
[7] Ibid, 1820.
[8] Ibid, 1822.
[9] Ibid, 1827.
[10] Augustine of Hippo, On the Morals of the Catholic Church, written in 388 A.D., http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/1401.htm [accessed September 27, 2010], XV.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood...

A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part I

Humans are created in the image and likeness of God and are called to love as God loves.  Of all the relationships that human beings participate in, the most profound impact they can make with their love in this world starts right in their own homes.  At the 1994 Prayer Breakfast at the White House, Mother Teresa said: “Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put into what we do.”  How do mothers grow in the virtues, especially when they feel like a little bird drowning in a monsoon, struggling through the daily continuous and seemingly unexpected crosses of motherhood?  For one, they need to heed the spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux, pick up their heads and spread their wings after a shower so that God can dry them with His brilliant rays.  St. Gregory of Nyssa stated that “the goal of a virtuous life is to become like God,” to love like God.[1]  If mothers are worthy and willing to receive the theological virtues, these virtues are given to them as a gift from God, while the cardinal virtues are mainly acquired by human efforts which strive to follow the example of Christ.[2]  Now, more than ever, embracing the cardinal virtues is imperative for successful mothering and the sanctification of the domestic church.  Whereas, contemporary society is externally focused and places much emphasis on actions and relationships outside the home, an analysis of the cardinal virtues in terms of mothering shows that more focus needs to be put on relationships and actions inside the home. "

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[1] Catechism of the Catholic Church, Second Edition, (Vatican: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1997), 1803.
[2] Ibid, 1804.