Marriage as a Vocation

By Kristen M. Soley

 

What is the vocation of marriage?

The word “vocation” has its roots in the Latin word vocare, which means “to call”. Thus, a vocation is a calling. The Second Vatican Council clearly stated that we all have a call to holiness. But within that universal call to holiness, there are different vocations, hand-picked by God, for us.  Our vocation is our path to holiness, to sainthood if you will.  It is our path to knowing, loving, and serving God, by growing in the Cardinal virtues of Faith, Hope, and Love.

Thus, a vocation is a personal call. It is offered freely and must be accepted freely. Attraction to a certain way of life or to a specific person can be a good sign of being called. Most often a person comes to recognize and accept a vocation gradually. This process, sometimes called discernment, is an opportunity for growth. It can be helped by prayer and guidance from trusted mentors, friends and family. 1

However, what begins as attraction must deepen into conviction and commitment. Those who are called to the married life should be ready to learn what their vocation means and to acquire the virtues and skills needed for a happy and holy marriage. 1

The vocation to marriage is a call to a life of holiness and service within the couple’s own relationship and in their family. As a particular way of following the Lord, this vocation also challenges a couple to live their marriage in a way that expresses God’s truth and love in the world. 1

To some extent, every priest and nun, even the Pope, is called to marriage, insofar as they are human beings. Theologically, this can best be understood in what Blessed John Paul II called the “spousal meaning of the body.” This means that the ensouled body, the person, is meant for the gift of self, particularly in marriage. Marriage is something to which every human person is called; it is the “default” vocation for all humans. So marriage, at its most basic level, is a natural vocation, a call written into our very DNA, into the very structure of our being. The married person is called to give himself totally to one person in love, while the celibate is called to give himself to all. 3

The Vocation of Marriage, Once Upon a Time…

 

I had never ruled out the vocation of consecrated life, but I felt God had called me to the vocation of marriage, even when I was young.  I had dated in my Sr. High and college years, but had discerned that none of the suitors were the man that God had in mind for me, as my husband.   They just did not make me a better person, in fact, I was sadder in a relationship with these people that I was alone.   I understood that a marriage is a union of two people that not only love each other, but lift each other up, and make each other a better person. 

After college, I began working at a reinsurance brokerage firm in the contracts department, which relied heavily on the Information Technology (computers) arm of the business.  

At our first “reports” meeting with the IT consultants, I was introduced to my future husband, Nate.  He was very kind, handsome, helpful, and even funny.  As time went on, I had the opportunity to work more one-on-one with him and in the meantime, had taken on some part-time work of my own, building a small computer application for a friend.   Nate was very kind to me.  I knew he had at least one other part-time contract he had taken on and was burning the candle at both ends with work (working 50+hours per week).  When I explained that I was struggling a bit with the application that I was writing, he volunteered to help me.  I almost fell over…  why would he want to help me, he is so busy?

When we “knew”

Within the same week, Nate was near my work space, talking with a work colleague of mine and I looked at him, not joking, standing near a window, the sun was shining through and all I could see was his silhouette.  Well, his silhouette was that of my step-Father’s… my late step-father. 

Now my Step-Father was a man who came into my life, at a time when I really needed Him (God has a way of doing that).  I was a Junior in High-school and in need of a man in my life, to love me, unconditionally.  Yes he loved my Mom, but he just accepted me for who I was and simply loved me.  He encouraged me, lifted me up, and made me a better person; he believed in me, and made sure that I knew it. 

It was at that moment, I knew… I knew that Nate was the man God had chosen for me… the moment was bigger than me and I just sat there and took it all in.  From that point forward, I never looked back. 

Well, God being, God… coincidentally, Nate, in the mean time had taken a liking to me.  He thought I was cute and nice, and enjoyed working with me.  He even told one his friends that he’d like to date a girl like me.

We were together at a big release party (an outing with co-workers, where we celebrated a year’s worth of planning and hard work as a team, to design, build, and deploy an internationally accessed, computer application for the company we were working).   I, not very subtly, let him know that I was interested in seeing him outside of work, and he reciprocated.  We went on several dates, and I just could not get over how kind he was.  I had never felt more comfortable and at ease, just being myself, than I had with him. 

When Two Became One, and the Love Multiplied

Short story long, about a year later, on Mission Beach in San Diego (visiting CA for a Packers/Chargers game), he went down on bended knee and asked me to be his wife.  Overjoyed, I said “Yes!”  Six months later, at The University of St. Catherine, on March 4^th, 2000 (late winter), on an unseasonably warm 70 degree day, the priest said “If weather is any indication, God is already smiling on this union.”

In our wedding video at the wedding reception, we had a picture of Nate and I with 3 of our nieces and nephews; I was holding one, Nate was holding one, and we were holding the hands of the third, the caption said “Our future?”

We had no idea, what our future was going to look like together, but neither of us worried and we had such hope; again, God is so good.

God blessed us after our first anniversary of marriage with the promise of our first son, and has continued to show His generosity about every 18 months thereafter, to the tune of almost 7 children. 

Our Marriage, as a Vocation

What we have shared in our marriage, as a vocation, has made us a better, happier, and holier couple.   Here are some of the things we have shared, and why we thank God for having been lead to this beautiful vocation:

-          Marriage represents a Trinitarian relationship; imagine a triangle with God on top, and Nate and I completing the triangle.  Without God on top, it does not work…

-          When God is first in our marriage, everything works and peace permeates our home. 

-          God loves us unconditionally, and through our marriage we become channels of God’s love to each other

-          We are also channels of His love to our children

-          Marriage is about spending your life with your best friend

-          We love each other unconditionally and do so in spite of our imperfections (nobody is perfect)

-          We celebrate each other’s strengths and do not dwell on our weaknesses

-          With God’s grace, we are growing in holiness and trying to overcome our faults

-          We enjoy making sacrifices for each other; sacrifices borne of love…

-          We respect each other, a mutual give and take and no order barking submission

-          We love each other enough to not always have to be neither right nor first, we have actually disagreed because we were trying to out-sacrifice the other…  “no you have the last piece of cake, no you choose the show to watch”, etc.

A Solid, Loving Marriage is the Bedrock of Family Life

Nate and I each play a distinct role in our marriage. Nate is the head of our household, and I am the heart of our home.

My confessor put it perfectly. Each of us brings such different, but complimentary gifts to our home. I am to respect and honor Nate’s judgment in matters of the head. He, in turn, should respect and honor my judgment in matters of the heart. God works through Nate as a channel of grace, and I, in turn, am a channel of grace for him.

The Holy Spirit works powerfully through Nate, lovingly guiding me, through him. Nate never ceases to amaze me. The Holy Spirit guides me beautifully through the wisdom he has given Nate.

I am called to honor and obey Nate as head of our home; true, but who am I really obeying?
Romans 13:1

“Every [a]person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God.”

God is the true head, and he has placed my husband, here on earth, as His representative for my home.

Ephesians 5:21-33 sums up perfectly this call, my vocation:

“…and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her… So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself”

This is not always easy to understand and can sound a little too humbling; we, nevertheless, need to take God’s word for it, assuming we call Him God for a good reason.

What do you think / Please share:

My husband and I decided to see what our children thought:

1.        A word to describe marriage

2.       A word to describe Mom & Dad’s marriage

Andrew (11):

1.        Man  & Woman

2.       Love each other

William (9):

1.        Man and Woman

2.       Love each other very much

Elizabeth (Libby) (7):

1.        When people are a couple and have babies together

2.       Like kissing and hugging

Charlie (6):

1.        Married People

2.       Having Babies

Thomas  George (3):

1.       Christ

2.       Alive and Happy

Patrick (2):

1.       “Daddy”

2.       “Daddy!”

Please share with me your thoughts on marriage.  Use your own words to describe the vocation of marriage?

What the Church Teaches

CCC 1604 God who created man out of love also calls him to love the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. For man is created in the image and likeness of God who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man. It is good, very good, in the Creator's eyes. And this love which God blesses is intended to be fruitful and to be realized in the common work of watching over creation: "And God blessed them, and God said to them: 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.'"

The sacrament of Holy Matrimony is the only sacrament that is administered by the couple rather than the priest. Holy Matrimony is a covenant between a man and a woman whereby they give their free consent to enter a covenantal partnership that is permanent. The marriage, "by its nature is ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring."(CCC1601) and finally, CCC 2378 – “the supreme gift of marriage is a human person”

Your Vocation or Call

Do any of you have plans for your future?  Do you think you are being called to a particular vocation (marriage, consecrated life, single)? 

God has a plan for each of you and the only way you can possibly know what His plan is, is by talking with Him.  Well, my husband and I are fairly confident that we are living the vocation we have been called to, as here we are, married with 6, almost 7 children.  God has shown His blessing on our choice to cooperate with Him, in our vocation.    The Catechism teaches in 2378 – “the supreme gift of marriage is a human person.”

What we try to teach our children, is the same thing… God has a plan for each of them, just like Mom and Dad.  We pray to God, as a family, every morning “teach us the wisdom to best discern Your will for us in our lives…” and at the end of our prayers, we, along with our children, pray for their future spouse, if they are called to the vocation of marriage.  It is NEVER, EVER, to early to begin the discourse with God about your vocation, and if, by chance you are called to marriage, the sooner you can begin to pray for your future spouse the better…  even if it turns out that you are not called to marriage, God wastes nothing and your prayers will be used for His Divine Purpose elsewhere. 

Regardless of the vocation to which you are called, the intent is to reflect and magnify God’s love within that vocation. 

As Christians, understanding that God has a plan for each of us… a perfect plan; the need for worry is eliminated.  You don’t need to worry today for what God has planned for you tomorrow and you needn’t bother trying to force a vocation.  The best thing you can do today is pray.  Pray for God to open your heart and mind to His Divine Will for you in your life.   Again, His plan is perfect for you and following His will, brings the promise of peace, joy, and success beyond your comprehension. 

Thank you.

Sources:

1.     Foryourmarriage.com

2.     Catechism of the Catholic Church
3.  My Catholicweb.org

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part VIII, Conclusion
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

In Conclusion

St. Augustine stated, “To live well is nothing other than to love God with all one’s heart, with all one’s soul and with all one’s efforts; from this it comes about that love is kept whole and uncorrupted (through temperance).  No misfortune can disturb it (and this is fortitude).  It obeys only [God] (and this is justice), and is careful in discerning things, so as not to be surprised by deceit or trickery (and this is prudence).”[1]  Embracing the cardinal virtues of prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance, is imperative for successful mothering and the sanctification of the domestic church.  Children emulate what they see and a temperate mother demonstrates how to control her body’s senses, appetites, and emotions.  A courageous mother shows her children how to continue to pick up their crosses in the face of adversity, while a just mother disciplines her children, teaching them to understand that every action has a social consequence.  Finally, the prudent mother is equipped with wisdom in order to respond to the daily unexpected scenarios that arise with children, testing all the facets of the cardinal virtues.  Understanding what the virtues are, however, is a completely separate gift from putting them into practice.  Mothers need to remember what Pope St. Leo the Great once said: “Virtue is nothing without the trial of temptation, for there is no conflict without an enemy, no victory without strife.”  Mothers must pray for the gifts of prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance because that is just what they are, whether infused or acquired, they are gifts of God’s grace.  As Stephen Covey writes in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families: “Good families—even great families—are off track 90 percent of the time!  The key is that they have a sense of destination.  They know what the ‘track’ looks like.  And they keep coming back to it time and time again.”[2]  The road to acquiring the cardinal virtues in motherhood is a staggering uphill battle, but a virtuous mother never forgets the track, since she is raising little saints that she hopes to spend eternity with in Heaven.

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[1] Catechism, 1809.
[2] Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, (New York, NY: St. Martins Griffin, 1997), 9.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part VII
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

On Temperance

Finally, comes the last cardinal virtue, temperance.  As regards the hierarchical arrangement of the cardinal virtues, justice and courage affect the good of many more people than temperance.[1]  Kaczor and Sherman point out, however, that “in ranking the virtues, as in ranking the accomplishments of people, one may be better than another in a certain respect but not in another respect.”[2]  While fortitude and temperance serve the preservation of the good, intemperance is more blameworthy than being cowardly, in regards to the object or motive matter.[3]  Fortitude often deals with overcoming the fear of something outside of one’s control, while temperance regards control over one’s own actions.  Temperance is distinguished from the other cardinal virtues in that it refers exclusively to the active man and his personal look at his condition, his vision, and his will.[4]

The Catechism defines temperance as the moral virtue that moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods.[5]  The virtue of temperance, properly speaking, concerns not intellectual pleasures, but rather bodily pleasures, specifically man’s appetites in eating, drinking, and sexual activity.[6]  In varying degrees, however, temperance also perfects the affective emotions of love, desire, joy, hatred, aversion, and sadness.[7]  Pieper explained St. Thomas Aquinas on this point: “the primary and essential meaning of temperare, therefore, is this: to dispose various parts into one unified and ordered whole,” while the second meaning of temperance is “serenity of the spirit,” inner order.[8]  Temperance is a virtue because man’s inner order is not a simply given and self-evident reality.[9]  Pope John Paul II further explained: “In our ‘lower self’, our ‘body’ and everything that belongs to it is expressed: its needs, its desires, its passions of a sensual nature particularly. The virtue of temperance guarantees every man mastery of the ‘lower self’ by the ‘higher self,’” control of passions so they do not prevail over reason, will, and even the “heart.”[10]
A mother’s control over her eating, drinking, and sexual activity might not seem to affect her parenting in the same quick-witted way that the practice of prudence does, but a temperate mother serves as an indispensible example of control to her children.  Kaczor and Sherman reinforce this logic: “The person who acts as if one or a combination of fleshly goods were the greatest good deprives himself (and the community) of full sharing in authentic human happiness.”[11]  We can only begin to imagine how an immoderate practice of eating, drinking, or sexual activity could destroy peace in the home.  In regards to eating, Pieper stated that fasting is the medicine, the discipline, the inner order of virtue by which the turbulence of sensuality is kept in check, which thus liberates the spirit.[12] 
St. Thomas understood that the pleasures of touch such as eating are “most natural to us, so that it is more difficult to abstain from them, and to control the desire for them.”[13]  Fasting helps a person to be more truly free.  St. Thomas wrote that “fasting is useful as atoning for and preventing sin, and as raising the mind to spiritual things.”[14]  Although fasting is difficult Kaczor and Sherman note numerous ways that this virtue can be acquired every day:
Opportunities to practice temperance abound and are as common as every meal.  Through small, everyday acts of self-mastery, the excellence of temperance becomes second nature.  Bishop Fulton J. Sheen recommends: “At least three times a day, deny yourself some tiny, legitimate pleasure, such as that…second drink, or the extra lump of sugar, in order to discipline your spirit and keep mastery over yourself for the love of god.”[15] 

Simply put, occasionally eating a toddler’s portions for instance, if done with a cheerful heart, has a healing power.[16]  St. Peter warns that mankind should “join fasting with knowledge” (2 Pet 1:5, 6).  St. Thomas expounded upon this saying that “in abstaining from food a man should act with due regard for those among whom he lives, for his own person, and for the requirements of health.”[17]  For this reason, for example, pregnant and nursing mothers should be cautioned on their forms of fasting.  It is common to hear that “a mother always fasts,” but it is necessary to be careful with this phrase; it can be a false comfort.  As with all the others, there is a mean of this virtue.  Motherhood has so many seasons that it calls for a constant reassessment of the call to fast.  For example, if a mother is pregnant or breastfeeding, she should eat enough to ensure her and the child’s health. 
The Church recognizes that each Friday is a special day of fasting.  In memory of Jesus’ sacrifice on Good Friday, mothers can decide with their families what they are going to abstain from, whether it is meat or dessert, etc.  Mothers can also model temperance as applied to the manner in which they teach their family to eat.  St. Thomas noted that it is inordinate to eat “hastily” or “greedily.”  Your family should not forestall the proper time for eating or fail to observe the due manner of eating.[18] 
            Beyond fasting, sobriety, and chastity, there are also quasi-integral virtues of temperance.  In this discussion we begin to see just how interconnected the cardinal virtues are.  Above, under the virtue of fortitude it is mentioned that anger is an emotion perfected by fortitude, however, anger in varying degrees, is also a virtue perfected by temperance at a secondary level.  Josef Pieper devotes a chapter in The Four Cardinal Virtues to the “power of wrath.”  St. Thomas Aquinas stated that “wrath is the strength to attack the repugnant [i.e. the vices against fasting, sobriety, chastity, and beyond]; the power of anger [whether in thoughts, words, or deeds] is actually the power of resistance in the soul.”[19]  One who is by bodily temperament disposed to anger is more readily angered and likewise their children.[20]  In other words, Pieper wrote that moderate anger is more easily and frequently hereditary.[21]  A mother practiced in tempering her anger is then more readily available to aid her children in acquiring this virtue as well.  Anger can be a grievous sin especially since it leads to things that are harmful to one’s neighbor.[22]  Quoting another, St. Thomas points out: “he that is angry without cause shall be in danger; but he that is angry with cause shall not be in danger: for without anger, teaching will be useless, judgments unstable, crimes unchecked.”[23]  Kaczor and Sherman explain, however, that although anger can be worse than intemperance because more people may be injured, intemperance is more blameworthy because it is more fully voluntary arising from pleasure than sadness as that of an angry person.[24] 
It is the duty of a mother, to check her anger in regards to the actions of her children in order to discipline her children that they understand how to image God.  St. Thomas explains: “the order of reason in regard to anger may be considered in relation to the mode of being angry, namely that the movement of anger should not be immoderately fierce, neither internally nor externally; and if this condition be disregarded, anger will not lack sin, even though just vengeance be desired.”[25]  Again, comparable to the virtue of fortitude, mothers can become temperate and masters of themselves only through a mildness and gentleness, similar to patience.[26]
Ultimately, in order to acquire the virtue of temperance, as with all the virtues, Christians can turn and pray to Mary, the Queen of Virtues; perhaps in studying her virtues mothers may humbly imitate a small portion of her contemplative nature.  Mary was the model of tranquility and serenity in regards to all things related to temperance.  Mary understood in a very profound way that if she injured her body, she injured Christ, the Lord of our bodies.[27]  Mothers can also heed and seek to obtain the “integral parts of temperance: shamefacedness (healthy fear of doing what is wrong) and honesty, as well as the already mentioned “subjective parts” or species of temperance: abstinence, sobriety, and chastity.[28]  In other words, temperance also requires studiousness, modesty, and self-mastery: purity of the eyes, memory, and imagination.[29]  Pieper wrote: “it has been said that only the pure of heart can laugh freely and liberatingly.  It is no less true that only those who look at the world with pure eyes can experience its beauty.”[30] 
Followers of Christ are called to become like children in order to experience the beauty of the Kingdom of Heaven.  Mothers are not only called to teach purity to their children, but also to learn from the purity of their children.  Children also teach mothers that living for Heaven requires extraordinary patience, humility, and a high threshold for discomfort, as Scott Appleby states, “God’s reign coaxes from us a lifestyle open to suffering of a kind which our children exact from us daily, hourly.”[31]  Children educate their mothers, and show them their shocking capacity for unconditional love (charity) the greatest virtue on which all the virtues rely. 

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[1] Ibid, II, II, 141, 8.
[2] Kaczor and Sherman, 311.
[3] Pieper, 125; Aquinas, II, II, 142, 3; Kaczor and Sherman, 316.
[4] Pieper, 147.
[5] Catechism, 1809.
[6] Kaczor and Sherman, 297 & 302.
[7] Torraco, Part B, 2-2 & 3-3.
[8] Pieper, 146-147.
[9] Ibid, 148.
[10] Pope John Paul II, General Audience, November 22, 1978, (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1978), http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/audiences/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19781122_en.html [accessed October 2, 2010].    
[11] Kaczor and Sherman, 45.
[12] Pieper, 182.
[13] Aquinas, II, II, 141, 7.
[14] Ibid, II, II, 147, 3.
[15] Kaczor and Sherman, 309.
[16] Pieper, 183.
[17] Kaczor and Sherman, 319.
[18] Aquinas, II, II, 148, 4.
[19] Pieper, 193.
[20] Aquinas, II, II, 156, 4.
[21] Pieper, 196.
[22] Aquinas, II, II, 156, 4.
[23] Ibid, II, II, 158, 1.
[24] Kaczor and Sherman, 395.
[25] Aquinas, II, II, 158, 2.
[26] Pieper, 195; Kaczor and Sherman, 404.
[27] Pieper, 156.
[28] Kaczor and Sherman , 298-299.
[29] Ibid, 316.
[30] Pieper, 167.
[31] Scott Appleby, “’Suffer the Children’: The Education of the Christian Parent.”  Communio, Summer, 1988.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part VI
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

On Fortitude

Fortitude ensures firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of good.  By its nature fortitude also perfects the spirited emotions of hope, courage, fear, despair, and anger.[1]  In other words, fortitude gives the ability to resist temptation, overcome obstacles, conquer fear, and face trials and persecutions.  It is a resoluteness of mind to endure any kind of danger, endure any suffering.[2]  Pieper wrote that human fortitude realizes this essential image: “man accepts insecurity; he surrenders confidently to the governance of higher powers; he ‘risks’ his immediate well-being; he abandons the tense, egocentric hold of a timorous anxiety.”[3]

One of the first examples Pope John Paul II drew upon in his 1978 General Audience on fortitude is the courage a mother experiencing difficulties with an already large family has in rejecting advice to end her pregnancy, and how she recognizes the sacredness of her pregnancy in doing so.[4]  Although familiar, this is an extreme circumstance.  There are countless heroic acts of fortitude, “little deaths” in motherhood known only to the mother’s conscience and God.  These little sacrifices could be as simple as waking up with a smile on your face for your children, gifts of love from God, after an interrupted night’s sleep, or cleaning up the spilled beverage for the third time with a joy in serving.  Kaczor and Sherman wrote that “small acts of goodness lead to more, and eventually a stable disposition to seek what is truly good.”[5]  Mother’s learn to die to self, a form of “white martyrdom.”[6]  They learn to temper and tame their emotions.  Kaczor and Sherman explain that “passions such as anger, fear, or desire are not considered in a general way good or evil.  Once a passion is brought into human action, however, this act of reason and will, though motivated by passion, has a character of good or evil.”[7]  The passions call for “neither praise nor blame” but, for example, being overly angry to an unreasonable degree may be blameworthy.[8]  While on the other hand, St. Thomas discussed how anger in action modified by reason can be found in a virtuous person.[9]  Anger brings about the realization of the need for discipline, which is indispensible in parenting.  When a mother is brave through anger, she makes a choice and acts steadfastly with purpose.[10]
St. Thomas wrote specifically about what is required of mankind to have the virtue of courage: the exercise of four related habits: magnanimity [confidence – not pusillanimity (shrinking back), or presumption (ambition, or vainglory)], magnificence (the ability to accomplish great things), patience (“suffering well” brings one to beatitude) and perseverance.[11] 

St. Thomas cites Scripture for an example of pusillanimity (Col. 3:21): “Fathers, provoke not your children to indignation, lest they be discouraged."[12]  Kaczor and Sherman expound on St. Thomas’ writings that “pride may be at work when people maintain their (belittling)[pusillanimity] viewpoint of themselves, thereby not shouldering the duties that they are capable of carrying,” to be a father or mother to a large family, for example.[13]  Vocations such as this take magnanimity, not to be confused, however, with vainglory.  Living a virtuous life always requires a delicate balance, a finding of the mean of a virtue.  The second habit, magnificence, may help a mother to have the goal of raising her children to be holy and virtuous, while recognizing that any success she has is through the grace of God. 

The third required habit of fortitude is patience.  Patience requires a preparedness of the mind, an act of prudence.  Kaczor and Sherman remind us of how Jesus was the best teacher of patience.  “Knowing all things, he waited for others to learn.  Capable of all things, he himself grew in wisdom and stature as a human.  Aware of the future and end of all people, he nevertheless related to them in time as they were.”[14]  This is the patient understanding that a mother is called to.  Discussing this third habit, St. Thomas pushed the virtue of patience a step further to the necessity of humility.  “Now it belongs to fortitude of the mind to bear bravely with infirmities of the flesh, and this belongs to the virtue of patience or fortitude, as also to acknowledge one's own infirmity, and this belongs to the perfection that is called humility.”[15]  How often do parents know more than children, but do not humble themselves to patiently wait for them to learn?

St. Thomas discussed the final habit of fortitude, perseverance, as a special virtue since it consists in enduring delays in virtuous deeds so far as necessity requires.[16]  This means abandoning the vices opposed to perseverance: being headstrong, stubborn, or opinionated, wanting one’s own way rather than what is right. [17]  For this reason, Kaczor and Sherman note that “grace is especially important for perseverance.”[18]  Motherhood constantly asks mothers to persevere and work with their faults, educating them through prayer and with the graces that especially come through the sacraments, in order to be virtuous in the home.  Pieper stated that “endurance, not wrathful attack, is the ultimately decisive test of actual fortitude,” since the “uttermost strength of the good manifests itself in powerlessness.”[19]  As Pieper explains, the Gospel message of offering your other cheek when someone strikes you is not to be taken literally, but it signifies a readiness of the soul to bear, if it be necessary, such things and worse, without bitterness against the attacker.[20]  Christ did this on the cross; mothers do this, albeit to a lesser degree, every day in their homes. 

Ultimately, how can mothers acquire the cardinal virtue of fortitude?  God graces them with the first step in the right direction: the vulnerable state created by each new stage in motherhood with its host of questions and doubts.  Pieper noted, “without vulnerability there is not possibility of fortitude.”[21]  Christians are assured that if they ask God and pray to the Holy Spirit for patience or simply the virtue of fortitude in general, those prayers will be answered.  Pieper wrote that “The supernatural fortitude bestowed by grace, which is a gift of the Holy Spirit, pervades and crowns all other ‘natural’ modes of Christian fortitude.”[22]  Acquired habits are perfected by God’s graced gift of hope: “hope for eternal life is properly a gift, and that without this gift there can be no such thing as truly Christian fortitude.”[23]  St. Thomas stated: “Hence it is not presumptuous for a man to attempt the accomplishment of a virtuous deed: but it would be presumptuous if one were to make the attempt without confidence in God's assistance.”[24] 

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[1]Catechism 1808; Torraco, Part B, 2-3 & 3-2.
[2] Kaczor and Sherman, 227.
[3] Pieper, 138-141.
[4] Pope John Paul II, General Audience, November 15, 1978, (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1978), http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/audiences/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19781122_en.html [accessed October 2, 2010].    
[5] Kaczor and Sherman, 279.
[6] Ibid, 250.
[7] Ibid, 254.
[8] Aquinas, II, II, 125, 1.
[9] Ibid, II, II, 123, 10.
[10] Aquinas, II, II, 123, 10.
[11] Kaczor and Sherman, 227.
[12] Aquinas, II, II, 133, 1.
[13] Kaczor and Sherman, 285.
[14] Kaczor and Sherman, 287.
[15] Aquinas, II, II, 123, 1.
[16] Aquinas, II, II, 137, 1.
[17] Ibid, II, II, 138, 2.
[18] Kaczor and Sherman, 290.
[19] Pieper, 131.
[20] Pieper, 132.
[21] Ibid, 117.
[22] Pieper, 141.
[23] Ibid, 141.
[24] Aquinas, II, II, 130, 1.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part V
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

On Justice

The Catechism defines justice as the constant and firm will to render to God and neighbor what is due.[1]  The word “jus” means “right” and indicates the right thing itself.[2]  Pieper wrote that “Through justice the will is applied to its proper act.”[3]  Applying the virtue of justice is a constant need and is gravely significant because as Josef Pieper stated, “Every external act is of social consequence.”[4]  For example, when we speak, we are heard, when we use something it is someone’s property.[5]  Fostering the cardinal virtue of justice helps humans gain confidence that their external acts are of good consequence, that they respect individual rights and the common good.  Justice is the fundamental principle of existence and coexistence in community here on earth.[6]  Ultimately, however, humanity’s hunger for justice, insatiable here on earth, turns us to God who “is justice itself.”[7] 

Applying the cardinal virtue of justice to motherhood is not as straightforward as the application of prudence to the maternal role.  Pieper quotes St. Thomas on the subject:

“Justice properly speaking demands a distinction of parties.”  Because father and child are not entirely separate individuals, because the child, instead, belongs to the father, and the father feels toward the child almost as he feels toward himself, “so between them there is not a simpliciter iustum, the just, simply,” not justice in the strict sense.  Because the loved one is not properly “someone else,” there is no formal justice between those who love each other.[8]

Although there is no formal justice between a mother and her children, there are many ways to attain the virtue of justice in the home, especially in regards to the virtues categorized under justice.  Mothers can teach their children justice by following the Ten Commandments, tithing, demonstrating the importance of obedience, and teaching their children to be just citizens.  Teaching a child to be just can be as simple as writing a thank-you note or telling someone “thank you” in person; this is an important moral act according to St. Thomas.[9]

Pieper writes that “in the affairs of the world, everything depends on the rulers’ being just.”[10]  In a sense this phrase could easily be reworded for present purposes as “in the affairs of the [home], everything depends on the [parents’] being just.”  Christopher Kaczor and Thomas Sherman, S.J. authors of Thomas Aquinas on the Cardinal Virtues, give several examples of what the virtue of justice looks like in motherhood: it allows one to act with joy and ease and does not give too much liberty to the children in the wrong situations so that they might become evil.[11]  For instance, another virtue connected with justice is vengeance.  As St. Thomas says, vengeance outside the order of divine appointment usurps what is God’s and is sinful.[12]  Kaczor and Sherman expound upon this and note that parents have due authority to raise their children properly.  It is a parent’s duty to care for, love, and educate their children in knowledge and character, and they can train them with discipline or due punishment.

The virtue of religion is another virtue St. Thomas connects with justice, and this virtue clearly lays out acts to be undertaken in the home.  Under the virtue of religion, it becomes clear that man can never be even with God, and children can never honor their parents, the ones who gave them the gift of life, enough.  Likewise, a parent should act in such a way that it is not difficult for their children to give them honor.  A mother should demonstrate the providential love of God to her children.  Kaczor and Sherman play out a wonderful example, observing that, if parents ask a child to “say please,” they remain before and after resolved to give the child something if she says please.  Likewise God gives mankind what He has promised them if they just ask in prayer: “Just as a mother works to better the child through making him use good manners in making requests, so too God intends our perfection through prompting us to commune with Him in prayers of petition.”[13]  Mothers need to ask for His help continually, because in doing so they “acquire confidence in having recourse to God” and “recognize in Him the Author of our goods.”[14]  Kaczor and Sherman describe what all mothers come to discover: “although God is the best and most worthy of our time and attention, there are circumstances when we should focus our immediate attention on other things, even though at these times God can remain our final end and the ultimate reason we do whatever we do.”[15]  For example, the seasons of motherhood which need to take into account the needs of the children (i.e. something as simple as diapering) could prevent or enable a mother to attend daily Mass.

Justice is the constant and firm will to render to God and neighbor what is due.  A mother’s actions affect her children; quite simply her behavior is reflected in their behavior.  Parents are the first and foremost teachers of the faith and its virtues for their children, but in return children teach their parents to perform morally good actions.  It may be discouraging when misbehavior is mirrored back at parents, but at the same time it is therapeutic.  St. Thomas Aquinas stated that, “The punishments of this life are medicinal rather than retributive.”[16]  The just man uses his goodness for himself but also for others to a higher degree than the brave or temperate man.[17]  For justice is not about man’s passions as are fortitude and temperance, but it is about man’s relations with another.[18] 

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[1] Catechism, 1807.

[2] Kaczor and Sherman, 67.

[3] Pieper, 68.

[4] Ibid, 62.

[5] Ibid, 62.

[6] Pope John Paul II, General Audience, November 8, 1978, (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1978), http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/audiences/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19781122_en.html [accessed October 2, 2010].    

[7] Ibid.

[8] Pieper, 54.

[9] Kaczor and Sherman, 197.

[10] Pieper, 89.

[11] Kaczor and Sherman , 109 & 66.

[12] Aquinas, II, II, 108, 1.

[13] Kaczor and Sherman, 162.

[14] Aquinas, II, II, 83, 2.

[15] Kaczor and Sherman, 158.

[16] Kaczor and Sherman, 129.

[17] Pieper, 65.

[18] Kaczor and Sherman, 79.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part IV
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

On Prudence

St. Thomas Aquinas defines prudence as “right reason applied to action.”[1]  The Catechism further states that prudence guides the judgment of conscience.[2]  It perfects the mind so that it is able to discern the true good in all circumstances and to choose the right means of achieving it.  Prudence is also called “practical wisdom,” and being practical it must be carried out and lived.[3]  Prudence is the first and most important of the cardinal virtues.  It is the cause of the other virtues being virtues at all, as its “right reason” in regards to the moral life, measures and informs the other virtues.[4]  Mother Teresa summed this up when she said, “Thoughtfulness is the beginning of great sanctity.”[5]

            Modern parent educators at work in the general public often use the buzz phrase “parenting in the moment,” in order to pinpoint and develop how caregivers parent on the spot, in the heat of the moment, when they could be quite possibly at their wits end.  Mothers everywhere are faced with this scenario countless times in a week, a day, or even an hour.  A key factor in succeeding at this parental transformation is missing from the secular vantage point: the cardinal virtue of prudence acquired not only through natural means but also supernatural means.  Josef Pieper, author of The Four Cardinal Virtues, stated prudence entails acting in the moment, “situation conscience” (solertia); a mother quickly wraps her mind around the unexpected situation and decides with extreme quick-wittedness and clear-eyed objectivity.[6]  Prudence is infused for the purpose of eternal salvation at Baptism, but this prudence is limited; there is a “fuller” prudence that is acquired and guides man in all matters relating to human life.[7]  Particularly helpful for mothers disciplining the same mischievous behavior under the pressure of a host of household tasks as Pieper states, is prudence’s special nature concerned with the realm of “ways and means” and down-to-earth realities.[8]  “Prudence as cognition” includes, most importantly, the ability to be still in order to attain objective perception of reality, and in addition, the patient effort of experience.[9]  Beyond the concept of practicing over time, how do mothers gain this virtue, where do they start?

St. Thomas Aquinas lists eight quasi-integral parts of prudence.  The first five: memory, understanding or intelligence, docility, shrewdness [quickly finding the middle term], and reason fall under prudence as cognitive virtues, while foresight, circumspection, and caution, command and apply knowledge to action.[10]  Second, Pieper, in summarizing Aquinas, states: “the attitude of ‘silent’ contemplation of reality: this is the key prerequisite for the perfection of prudence as cognition, which perfection in turn involves three elements, namely: memoria [memory], docilitas [the ability to take good advice], solertia [composed readiness for the unexpected].”[11]  The first Christian is a perfect guide.  Does not the Mother of God exemplify “the attitude of ‘silent’ contemplation”?  Mary’s countenance was contemplative although the events in her life were chaotic as she traveled nine months pregnant to Bethlehem, searched the crowds for her twelve-year-old Son, and knelt at the foot of the cross.  St. Thomas Aquinas stated that “man has a natural aptitude for docility [being taught] even as for other things connected with prudence. Yet his own efforts count for much towards the attainment of perfect docility [teachableness]: and he must carefully, frequently and reverently apply his mind to the teachings of the learned, neither neglecting them through laziness, nor despising them through pride.”[12]

Mary is the perfect example and in the words of Blessed Mother Teresa she will help to “make your house – your family – another Nazareth where love, peace, joy and unity reign, for love begins at home.”[13] 

God also places countless others in a mother’s life, however, to prepare and inform her to practice prudence.  The Gospel message preaches virtuous living in the actions of holy mothers, but often in motherhood counsel is also needed.  This is a significant reason why there is the proliferation of mother’s sharing groups, especially since in the modern world it is not the norm to house extended family under one roof and have another mother figure just down the hall.  St. Thomas Aquinas states, “those who need to be guided by the counsel of others, are able if they have grace, to take counsel for themselves in this point at least, that they require the counsel of others and can distinguish good from evil counsel.”[14]  This perhaps explains why Pope John Paul II implored all of the faithful to pray that the Holy Spirit give us the gift of good counsel.[15]  Josef Pieper further develops Aquinas’ words:
There is no way of grasping the concreteness of man’s ethical decisions from outside.  But no, there is a certain way, a single way: that is through the love of friendship.  A friend, and a prudent friend, can help to shape a friend’s decision.  He does so by virtue of that love which makes the friend’s problem his own, the friend’s ego his own (so that after all it is not entirely ‘from outside’).  For by virtue of that oneness which love can establish he is able to visualize the concrete situation calling for decision, visualize it from, as it were, the actual center of responsibility.  Therefore it is possible for a friend—only for a friend and only for a prudent friend—to help with counsel and direction to shape a friend’s decision or, somewhat in the manner of a judge, help to reshape it.[16]

For this reason the counsel of a prudent friend of the faith undertaking the same vocation of motherhood whether 100 feet or 1,000 miles away is priceless. 

A true friendship with God through prayer, modeling Mary and the prudent advice of other mothers, and turning to the grace of the Sacraments are indispensible in cultivating the cardinal virtue of prudence along with an on-going education of the conscience.  The cultivation of prudence then amounts to applying it to personal, living, experience.  Pieper stated that “desiring the good does not make a decision prudent; but real understanding and proper evaluation of the concrete situation of the concrete act does.”[17]  Mothers also need to know what prudence is not.  To be imprudent is to be thoughtless, indecisive, negligent, blind, and remiss in decision, and of course disobedient towards the commandments.[18]  It is to be overly anxious about temporal things over spiritual matters.

Finally, there are multiple ways to help people know that they are on the right path to acquiring the virtue of prudence.  Josef Pieper lists characteristics synonymous with prudence: being the filter of deliberation; purity, straightforwardness, candor, and simplicity of character, and standing superior to the utilitarian complexities of mere ‘tactics’.[19]  These mere ‘tactics’ in this case amount to the secular approaches of parent educators teaching parents how to “parent in the moment” without the virtue of prudence, without faith.  Josef Pieper also wrote that humans can “receive ‘practical’ assurance and reinforcement from several sources: from the experience of life as it has been lived; from the alertness and healthiness of the instinctive capacity for evaluation; from the daring and humble hope that the paths to man’s genuine goals cannot be closed to him; from rectitude of volition and of ultimate “intention”; from the grace of direct and mediated divine guidance.”[20]  And of course, mothers must remember that a “life of friendship with God must not be construed in the sense that it is immediately ‘given’ or realizable in smooth and ‘harmonious’ development.”[21]  Mothers understand that there are so many ‘seasons’ in life, the ebb and flow of parenting often parallels the hilly ascent towards the virtuous life.  Pieper reminds us of how intensely the great saints loved the ordinary and commonplace.[22] 

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[1] Saint Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Christian Classics Ethereal Library, http://www.ccel.org/ccel/aquinas/summa.SS_Q141.html [accessed October 10, 2010], II, II, 55, 3.
[2] Catechism, 1806.
[3] Kaczor and Sherman, 16.
[4] Pieper, 6 & 31.
[5] Mother Teresa, “God Had Sent the Family to Be His Love,” The Co-Worker Newletter, Spring/Summer, (Wauwatosa, WI: Family Life Council, Inc, 1989).
[6] Pieper, 9-13.
[7] Ibid, 14.
[8] Pieper, 11.
[9] Ibid, 13.
[10] Aquinas, II, II, 48, 1.
[11] Pieper, 14-17 & 22.
[12] Aquinas, II, II, 49, 3; Kaczor and Sherman, 31.
[13] Mother Teresa.
[14] Aquinas, II, II, 47, 14 ad 2.
[15] Pope John Paul II, “First General Audience of John Paul II,” General Audience, October 25, 1978, (Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1978), http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/audiences/1978/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19781025_en.html [accessed October 2, 2010].
[16] Pieper, 29.
[17] Pieper, 35.
[18] Ibid, 8 & 19.
[19] Ibid, 10.
[20] Ibid, 18.
[21] Pieper, 36.
[22] Ibid, 39.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Cont...

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part III
A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

On the Cardinal Virtues

The theological virtues are the foundation of the cardinal virtues of prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance which are also known as the moral, human, or hinge virtues because all other virtues are necessarily related to them.[1]  The cardinal virtues themselves are necessarily related to each other; they are so interconnected that one can not exist without the others.  For example, temperance needs fortitude, fortitude works for justice, and all the cardinal virtues rely on prudence.  In The Catholic Catechism, John A. Hardon, S.J. discussed the relationship of the cardinal virtues: “they are treated as special virtues, each occupied with its own proper type of situation, without denying that they overlap, or that one flows into the other.  Thus fortitude is temperate and brave, for a man who can contain his lusts can well control himself in danger of death; and if he can face death unflinchingly, he can also withstand allurements.”[2]

Although the cardinal virtues can be infused as a gift from God, the nature of this gift is limited to what is necessary for salvation.  However, Jesus called all human beings to perfection in His Proclamation of the Kingdom, and this perfection requires acquiring virtue through experience, time, repetition, and habit.  A virtue of this nature allows the mind to govern and train emotions.  Paralleling the differences between mothers with varying temperaments and natures, there are a variety of ways mothers can become accomplished in the virtues.  The journey through motherhood must be embraced, whatever it may entail, for it is sinful if a person does not acquire the virtues when they could have or should have.[3]  The Catechism states: “Human virtues acquired by education, by deliberate acts and by a perseverance ever-renewed in repeated efforts are purified and elevated by divine grace.”[4]  To attain and maintain the cardinal virtues, mothers need to freely cooperate with the Holy Spirit in their lives.

Understanding and embracing the cardinal virtues is so important that they were the topic of Pope John Paul II’s first four General Audiences.  He was continuing the plan of the late Pope John Paul I who had first discussed the theological virtues in his General Audiences, and the primacy of the virtues in the prevalent talks of two vicars of Christ in the modern day should not be left unnoticed.  All the faithful, and most fundamentally mothers, who can claim the title of the first teachers of love to the tiny lives in their wombs, should take note of the importance the popes gave to learning and applying these virtues.  Mothers everywhere need firm attitudes, stable dispositions, and habitual perfections of intellect and will, especially in the heat of a parenting moment, and the key to this kind of self-mastery is acquiring the moral virtues. 

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[1] Catechism, 1805.
[2] John A. Hardon, S.J., The Catholic Catechism, (Garden City, NY: Doubleday and Company, Inc., 1975), 198.
[3] Christopher Kaczor and Thomas Sherman, S.J., Thomas Aquinas on the Cardinal Virtues, (Ave Maria, FL: Sapientia Press at Ave Maria University), 2009, 39.
[4] Catechism, 1810.

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood...

A Thesis by Jacquelyn Barten, Guest Blogger

Applying the Cardinal Virtues to Motherhood, Part I

Humans are created in the image and likeness of God and are called to love as God loves.  Of all the relationships that human beings participate in, the most profound impact they can make with their love in this world starts right in their own homes.  At the 1994 Prayer Breakfast at the White House, Mother Teresa said: “Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put into what we do.”  How do mothers grow in the virtues, especially when they feel like a little bird drowning in a monsoon, struggling through the daily continuous and seemingly unexpected crosses of motherhood?  For one, they need to heed the spirituality of St. Therese of Lisieux, pick up their heads and spread their wings after a shower so that God can dry them with His brilliant rays.  St. Gregory of Nyssa stated that “the goal of a virtuous life is to become like God,” to love like God.[1]  If mothers are worthy and willing to receive the theological virtues, these virtues are given to them as a gift from God, while the cardinal virtues are mainly acquired by human efforts which strive to follow the example of Christ.[2]  Now, more than ever, embracing the cardinal virtues is imperative for successful mothering and the sanctification of the domestic church.  Whereas, contemporary society is externally focused and places much emphasis on actions and relationships outside the home, an analysis of the cardinal virtues in terms of mothering shows that more focus needs to be put on relationships and actions inside the home. "

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[1] Catechism of the Catholic Church, Second Edition, (Vatican: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1997), 1803.
[2] Ibid, 1804.